You may remember a little while back I published an interview with our Surrogate, Lisa, and her husband, Darren. You can read it HERE

At the time I also mentioned that I would be appearing in vlogs with Lisa to talk about our journey. Armed with some questions from her viewers and followers, we got to film it last weekend so here it is...

Prepare yourself for complete silliness and perhaps some discussions about surrogacy. As always, if you have any questions that you want to ask us or suggestions or topics you want us to discuss either here on my blog or over on Lisa's channel. Drop them in the comments below.

For now, enjoy...

Back in October, I wrote about National Coming Out Day and whether people should have to ‘come out’. I also touched upon my view about the structure of labels and the apparent need for us to have those labels by the society around us.

A recent article published by the site Hornet leads with a clickbait headline of ‘Men Who Sometimes Sleep With Other Men Are Opting For This Label Because Bisexual Is ‘Too Gay'. This got me thinking about labels again.

This is not the first time I have come across similar articles and it seems to be an area of discussion with an increasing prominence. The main context of the article states that straight men who sometimes sleep with other men are choosing not to label themselves as bisexual because that is considered 'too gay.' Instead, they are choosing to refer to themselves as ‘mostly straight’. Now, I actually applaud those men who are happy to admit that they enjoy having sex with other men. I think that shows a massive step forward that more men will openly admit it. What do I have an issue with is that they seem to appear ashamed of the possibility someone might think of them as 'too gay'. It sounds a little bit like having your cake and eating it to a certain degree. My bigger issue here is that by actually stating that they do not wish to be considered 'too gay' they are fuelling the absurd notion that being gay is a bad thing. I will come back to that in a bit.

I am going to be what some may consider a little bit controversial here. A key factor in all of these discussions about labelling is sex. Specifically, men having sex with men. In my opinion, if a man has sex with another man, this does not automatically make him gay or even bisexual. If you consider the commonly discussed notion that a large proportion of guys have some form of homosexual experience in one way or another, this would ‘automatically’ make a lot of guys gay or bisexual which is ludicrous. I would imagine that a large number of guys have had some form of experimentation throughout their late teens or even later in adulthood. Experimentation does not equal sexual preference or orientation.

It goes without saying that identifying as a gay man involves a lot more than just having sex with another man. Identifying as gay can also mean that you will enter a relationship with, fall in love with and commit to, another man, not necessarily of course. Either way, that actually has very little to do with sex. You may read this and think it sounds implausible but I believe it is absolutely possible to be in a committed and loving relationship without the act of sexual intercourse. After all, sex is just one of the ways in which couples will demonstrate their love for one another. However, as I am sure we can all agree, sex and love are not exclusively linked. It is possible to have sex without any form of romantic connection. On its own, sex can be just that. A physical connection. If that is the case, it is clear to me that the label of gay or bisexual does not apply to all men who have had some form of sexual connection with another man.

I have always been a strong believer that labels, or at least the clichés attached to each label, can be damaging as they have a tendency to evoke quite specific stereotypes. Let’s face it, we all know the stereotypes that tend to come with identifying as gay. We all know those stereotypes are ridiculous but they exist nonetheless. In the very first instance, the stereotypes that are attached to the label of gay may actually deter some people from even experimenting with their sexuality through a fear of being identified as gay. I for one can certainly understand that train of thought because I experienced it first-hand. I ignored my desires to experiment because of the fear that I would be called gay. How many other men out there have completely ignored any thoughts of experimentation through fear of being labelled a certain way? How many more men would experiment if those labels did not exist?

Historically, the label ‘gay’ or more specifically ‘bisexual’ did not exist. For example, when you delve into ancient history, sexual practices between two men were considered commonplace but this did not then mean an exclusively male relationship. I mention this because it reinforces my belief that homosexual nookie does not a gay man make!

The article states that in a poll, men were asked to choose one of three labels — straight, bisexual or gay. The results of that poll show that 75% said they were straight because bisexual seemed “too gay.” (At this point I assume that it wasn’t a straightforward choice of 3 but had a ‘reason’ or explanation section included)

As I am writing this, it is becoming clear to me that there is a negative undercurrent in all of this rhetoric. It would seem, that despite all of the gains made for equality and awareness, there are still men out there that consider being gay a negative thing and hence their desire to shun that term in favour of another term of identity. This ‘fear’ of being labelled as gay often comes from the idea that the term gay has a particular lifestyle attached to it. That particular lifestyle is, of course, a stereotype and a myth. For example, it is actually alarming to me that there is still a persistent belief that gay men are effeminate and furthermore that a man who is effeminate is a bad thing. Unfortunately, there is even a part of our own LGBT community that believes being effeminate or camp is a negative thing and makes you less of a man. At this point, I am going to be really clear in my belief. A person’s behaviour, body language or mannerisms have absolutely nothing to do with gender. There is one thing and one thing alone that makes you a ‘male’ when you are born and that is the dangling organ between your legs. The only reason you are deemed male is that you were born with one. It really is as simple as that. It is about time more people remembered that.

In my own previous article, I wrote about the hope that one day our societies need for labelling will no longer be required. Unfortunately, we are not quite there yet and this is only reinforced by the idea that men are certainly engaging in ‘homosexual activity’ but are vocal about distancing themselves from the label of gay or bisexual to the extent of creating their own label.

If this is the case, I feel that, as gay men, we need to continue building the awareness of what it is to be gay and more specifically, that all different types of men identify as gay. For many years the stereotypes of ‘gay’ have existed for a reason, however, in recent years we are seeing a far more diverse ‘type’ of man coming out as gay which helps to break down the stereotypes. Ultimately, this will help change the perceptions but I feel the bigger discussion that needs to be had here is actually within our own community. We need to be talking about why some gay men seem intent on degrading and being negative towards those who do happen to be effeminate or camp.

As updates go, this one may seem a little bit light on our personal journey details. A large part of our activity since the last update has been to continue building on our match with Lisa. It is so important to us, and to her, that this journey is right. We both feel so incredibly lucky to have found someone so kind (or crazy enough) to help us start our family. We have learned so much about each other already and we are in a place where we feel that Lisa, along with her husband and her children, will be part of our family no matter what happens next and for that we will be eternally grateful.

I tell you one thing we have learned an incredible amount about in the last month and that is female ovulation cycles. What really surprised me when discussing our journey with others is how little some people know about how it works, even some of my female friends who are yet to have children are a little bit unaware of how their cycle works in terms of when they are most fertile and so on. It has certainly been a vast learning experience for us both being guys I can tell you. It is remarkable and complex but I do think more people should have an understanding of it. I will be writing a follow up on this soon.

In the meantime, I wanted to write something very specific in my opinion as an intended parent. Whilst frequenting the surrogacy groups on social media, I have been reading a lot about people’s views of surrogacy. There have been some things that I applaud, some that make me laugh and smile right through to some things that make my blood boil. With that in mind, I thought I would write down some of my thoughts, advice if you will, for Intended Parents to consider whilst using surrogacy groups on social media and starting out on their journey.

Before you even get started in joining the groups or agencies, the first thing I think all intended parents need to have in their toolbox is patience. I totally understand that once you have decided to take the surrogacy route you may want to ‘just get on with it’ but believe me when I say, that thought process will not be well appreciated by the surrogates out there. You are almost never going to get chatting and find the right surrogate right away and even if you do, there is a massive amount of time and effort you will need to put in before you are ready to officially match and formally get into the process. Take your time and do not rush. Rushing will only lead to corners getting cut and mistakes being made. This is your future child that you need to consider and while the phrase ‘nothing is perfect’ applies, you want this journey to be as perfect as it can be!

When you join surrogacy groups on social media, don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. I remember being very nervous about making that first post and introducing myself to the group. I do think that an element of that nervousness is knowing what is at stake. This isn’t like making friends down at a pub. This is a massive life event. You should never forget that but also remember that every single person in the group also understands that too, both fellow IPs and the surrogates.

Always start off in the open ‘forum’ or on the wall. This area is specifically there so that you can chat and everyone can discuss and learn from one another. Introduce yourself, tell people a little about yourselves and only yourselves. For the love of humanity do not say things like ‘looking to chat with a surrogate’ or ‘looking for a TS’ (traditional surrogate). You have to be mindful that this is not a shopping channel. The surrogates are not there for you to pick and choose from. It doesn’t work like that. Plus, saying that sounds like some kind of advertisement and as you will know from your research or you will learn very quickly, it is illegal to advertise for a surrogate (or to be one for that matter).

Additionally, do not just jump into private messages. This is really important. You wouldn’t just approach a stranger in the street and start discussing the specific details of why you want to enter into surrogacy would you? What would the reaction be if you did? I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t end well. Of course, when you are in a surrogacy group it isn’t quite like approaching someone in the street. The people within the groups are there for the reasons you are but you are still a stranger to the surrogates and the other IPs. Please keep that in mind. Rather than jumping in both feet first with the private messages, try to engage with the wider group. Get chatting and contributing to the posts that you see. Engaging with the group like that will break down the sense that you are just a stranger. If you dive straight into private messages you also run the risk of putting a surrogate off before you even get started. I will concede that some surrogates are perfectly happy to receive private messages right off the bat. That said, even if they are, you should still try to engage with the wider group first. Consider it good manners and group etiquette if you will and consider how the approach in your conversations will make you look. If you jump straight into private messages it could make you look like you are rushing into things. The surrogates do understand that you are desperate for a child but again, these things take time. If you do go ahead and just start sending private messages do not be surprised if you find yourself receiving curt responses. Remember, surrogates are human beings with feelings too, not just an incubator for your child. Do not treat them as such. Surrogates want nothing more than to help you with your family desires but that is not all that they are. They have own families, with their own life going on too! When you eventually match with a surrogate she is going to be on a massive life journey WITH you and not FOR you, so treat her with the good manners and respect that she deserves.

I often think of the relationship between Intended Parents and Surrogates as a little bit like dating and a long-term relationship. You have to cultivate that relationship and find the right fit. This is not a one night stand. Again, you wouldn’t go up to someone in a club and expect them to sleep with you right away - well ok, I know this does happen but you know what I mean!

Whilst you are taking your time, getting to know people, chatting and asking questions, also make sure you are learning and do your research. One of the areas of utmost importance is around expenses. There are countless resources for understanding what constitutes reasonable expenses. Use them. You need to fully understand what is considered expenses and have a view on what you think is reasonable and what you can afford.

I have seen circumstances where some IPs disagree with a surrogate’s expenses and that is fine. It is your prerogative to disagree but you must also respect that those are the expenses. What you have to remember here is that the surrogate AND her immediate family (ie her husband and her children) should not be out of pocket because they are carrying a child for you. If in the course of your journey the surrogate has to pay out money as a direct result of carrying your child, that falls within a reasonable expense.

A couple of examples for you, if the husband of the surrogate has to take their children out of the house for dinner so that you can then do inseminations, this is a reasonable expense that you should cover – he would not be taking them out for dinner if you weren’t there. If during the pregnancy, the surrogate's husband has to take time off work to look after or help your surrogate, this is a reasonable expense that you should cover. I use examples which involve the surrogate’s family because it is important to understand that it is not just her life that this is affecting. Carrying a child for you will have an impact on not only the surrogate but her family too. They are as much a part of the journey as you and the surrogate. In an ideal situation, you as the intended parent need to make sure that the surrogate's family does not suffer as a result of her carrying your child. I.E. If your surrogate finds herself with terrible morning sickness and cannot properly do the housework it is not for you as the intended parent to expect her husband to pick up the slack around the house after coming home from his full-time job. That is for them to decide. The surrogate may decide that she needs additional help in the form of a cleaner. I am not saying that all surrogates will claim for that as reasonable expenses, nor am I saying that a surrogate’s husband is going to refuse to additional work around the house but you must be mindful of it. Keep in your mind that you want to keep the inconvenience to your surrogate’s family at a minimum!

Naturally, you may disagree that these are reasonable expenses and that is fine. This just means that this particular surrogate is not for you and that is fine too. Each surrogate will have their own set of expenses depending on their everyday life. Your reaction should be one of respect and should not entail harassing or criticising the surrogate. Just because you do not agree with her reasonable expenses does not mean that she is just trying to fleece you for money. I daresay there are bad surrogates out there that would, but I would also say that those are just a handful compared to the number of incredible women out there who just want to help make a family complete. Most intended parents will have that respect anyway, but I have seen examples where it is not the case so it is worth keeping it in mind.

Lisa and I out for dinner.

At long last I have had a chance to check out everything that was in my ‘next gay thing’ monthly subscription box and get some kind of review down in words. I should also point out here that I am in no way affiliated with the company and I have paid for this subscription myself. I want to be clear here because I don’t want you to read thinking I am being nice (or not) just because of some marketing. I am giving you my honest thoughts on the products and the ‘next gay thing’ package. If you want to know a little bit more about the company you should check out my introduction article HERE

A friend of mine recently pointed me in the direction of a monthly subscription service specifically aimed at gay men so I thought I would check it out.

Their mission or their story as stated on their website is that ‘being gay is awesome and something special’. Here is a list of their beliefs and essentially what the company stands for.


They also make the promise that ‘Next Gay Thing is here to make sure a gay man never has to suffer through using a straight man product ever again. You are fabulous and you should never forget it. And you deserve at least one treat every month.’

I am not entirely sure whether this is supposed to be a little tongue in cheek but I wasn’t aware that there was such a thing as a ‘straight man product'. Are straight man products bad then? That said, it didn’t put me off and actually made me want to continue looking. I think the key element is the fact that the products that are chosen to go out in the mystery box are selected by a team of gay men. Gay men know what gay men like and all that.

Additionally, you can then create a Taste Profile so that they can tailor the types of products they send to your own preferences. This is a touch I certainly appreciated, especially when it comes to selecting the underwear type. I love to try new brands of underwear in different styles so this was a big selling point for me.

You can also select different ‘gay packs’ depending on how much you want to spend or what sort of stuff you want to receive. There is the Bare pack which is simply 1 piece of premium underwear. The Pride pack comes with the underwear and 1 luxury grooming product or you can call all out with the Out ‘N’ Proud pack which chucks in even more grooming products. You can also pay a little more to have additional pieces of underwear too!

Given that you can also cancel the subscription at any time, I absolutely went ahead and signed up for the Out ‘N’ Proud pack so that I can review the service and the products each month on here.

My first pack has arrived so the first review will be up very soon.

Thanks for stopping by and reading x

The statistics (yes I am numbers nerd in case you hadn't worked it out already) are a little better this month. This has come about through a quite a few longer road trips this month so my music has been playing a lot more.


As you can see the total number of songs played and the total play count have increased but given the nature of being on the road a fair amount I have been using shuffle even more and so the average play count and the amount of plays in the Top 20 have seen a decrease. That said, the Top 20 did see quite a lot of re-entries this month.

The top re-entry this month came from Take That at number three. 'SOS' is definitely one of those that I might not listen to for a while and then it springs up again and I can't get enough. It was easily my favourite track on the 'Progress' album which is also one of my favourite albums from the group. I love the electro synthesiser feel than runs throughout. Coupled with the political lyrics it reveals a very dystopian view of the future. It is very thought provoking.

There was also a couple of interesting new entries this month. One of which being 'Cruel Intentions' by Melanie C. This was a B-Side track but it has a very dark brooding tone which I listen to a lot and I am little surprised that it hasn't charted previously. Melanie is a very talented but often overlooked and underrated British female artist. I wish that her albums garnered more widespread acclaim but I do kind of enjoy feeling like I am one of the few in on the secret that she is simply incredible.

Another track that surprised me in that it hadn't charted already was Bob the Drag Queen with 'Bloodbath' which was also the top performing new entry this month, coming in at number four. This one is a grimy, base-laden floor filler with an appropriately twisted music video. I can't get enough of drag queens and their music 'careers' but I do think Bob could easily be a complete breakout success. I am waiting with fishy bated breath for an album! Check out the fiendishly dark and perfect for Halloween video to 'Bloodbath'...



Thanks for stopping by and reading x