Surrogacy Journey Update: Intended Parent Etiqeutte

As updates go, this one may seem a little bit light on our personal journey details. A large part of our activity since the last update has been to continue building on our match with Lisa. It is so important to us, and to her, that this journey is right. We both feel so incredibly lucky to have found someone so kind (or crazy enough) to help us start our family. We have learned so much about each other already and we are in a place where we feel that Lisa, along with her husband and her children, will be part of our family no matter what happens next and for that we will be eternally grateful.

I tell you one thing we have learned an incredible amount about in the last month and that is female ovulation cycles. What really surprised me when discussing our journey with others is how little some people know about how it works, even some of my female friends who are yet to have children are a little bit unaware of how their cycle works in terms of when they are most fertile and so on. It has certainly been a vast learning experience for us both being guys I can tell you. It is remarkable and complex but I do think more people should have an understanding of it. I will be writing a follow up on this soon.

In the meantime, I wanted to write something very specific in my opinion as an intended parent. Whilst frequenting the surrogacy groups on social media, I have been reading a lot about people’s views of surrogacy. There have been some things that I applaud, some that make me laugh and smile right through to some things that make my blood boil. With that in mind, I thought I would write down some of my thoughts, advice if you will, for Intended Parents to consider whilst using surrogacy groups on social media and starting out on their journey.

Before you even get started in joining the groups or agencies, the first thing I think all intended parents need to have in their toolbox is patience. I totally understand that once you have decided to take the surrogacy route you may want to ‘just get on with it’ but believe me when I say, that thought process will not be well appreciated by the surrogates out there. You are almost never going to get chatting and find the right surrogate right away and even if you do, there is a massive amount of time and effort you will need to put in before you are ready to officially match and formally get into the process. Take your time and do not rush. Rushing will only lead to corners getting cut and mistakes being made. This is your future child that you need to consider and while the phrase ‘nothing is perfect’ applies, you want this journey to be as perfect as it can be!

When you join surrogacy groups on social media, don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. I remember being very nervous about making that first post and introducing myself to the group. I do think that an element of that nervousness is knowing what is at stake. This isn’t like making friends down at a pub. This is a massive life event. You should never forget that but also remember that every single person in the group also understands that too, both fellow IPs and the surrogates.

Always start off in the open ‘forum’ or on the wall. This area is specifically there so that you can chat and everyone can discuss and learn from one another. Introduce yourself, tell people a little about yourselves and only yourselves. For the love of humanity do not say things like ‘looking to chat with a surrogate’ or ‘looking for a TS’ (traditional surrogate). You have to be mindful that this is not a shopping channel. The surrogates are not there for you to pick and choose from. It doesn’t work like that. Plus, saying that sounds like some kind of advertisement and as you will know from your research or you will learn very quickly, it is illegal to advertise for a surrogate (or to be one for that matter).

Additionally, do not just jump into private messages. This is really important. You wouldn’t just approach a stranger in the street and start discussing the specific details of why you want to enter into surrogacy would you? What would the reaction be if you did? I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t end well. Of course, when you are in a surrogacy group it isn’t quite like approaching someone in the street. The people within the groups are there for the reasons you are but you are still a stranger to the surrogates and the other IPs. Please keep that in mind. Rather than jumping in both feet first with the private messages, try to engage with the wider group. Get chatting and contributing to the posts that you see. Engaging with the group like that will break down the sense that you are just a stranger. If you dive straight into private messages you also run the risk of putting a surrogate off before you even get started. I will concede that some surrogates are perfectly happy to receive private messages right off the bat. That said, even if they are, you should still try to engage with the wider group first. Consider it good manners and group etiquette if you will and consider how the approach in your conversations will make you look. If you jump straight into private messages it could make you look like you are rushing into things. The surrogates do understand that you are desperate for a child but again, these things take time. If you do go ahead and just start sending private messages do not be surprised if you find yourself receiving curt responses. Remember, surrogates are human beings with feelings too, not just an incubator for your child. Do not treat them as such. Surrogates want nothing more than to help you with your family desires but that is not all that they are. They have own families, with their own life going on too! When you eventually match with a surrogate she is going to be on a massive life journey WITH you and not FOR you, so treat her with the good manners and respect that she deserves.

I often think of the relationship between Intended Parents and Surrogates as a little bit like dating and a long-term relationship. You have to cultivate that relationship and find the right fit. This is not a one night stand. Again, you wouldn’t go up to someone in a club and expect them to sleep with you right away - well ok, I know this does happen but you know what I mean!

Whilst you are taking your time, getting to know people, chatting and asking questions, also make sure you are learning and do your research. One of the areas of utmost importance is around expenses. There are countless resources for understanding what constitutes reasonable expenses. Use them. You need to fully understand what is considered expenses and have a view on what you think is reasonable and what you can afford.

I have seen circumstances where some IPs disagree with a surrogate’s expenses and that is fine. It is your prerogative to disagree but you must also respect that those are the expenses. What you have to remember here is that the surrogate AND her immediate family (ie her husband and her children) should not be out of pocket because they are carrying a child for you. If in the course of your journey the surrogate has to pay out money as a direct result of carrying your child, that falls within a reasonable expense.

A couple of examples for you, if the husband of the surrogate has to take their children out of the house for dinner so that you can then do inseminations, this is a reasonable expense that you should cover – he would not be taking them out for dinner if you weren’t there. If during the pregnancy, the surrogate's husband has to take time off work to look after or help your surrogate, this is a reasonable expense that you should cover. I use examples which involve the surrogate’s family because it is important to understand that it is not just her life that this is affecting. Carrying a child for you will have an impact on not only the surrogate but her family too. They are as much a part of the journey as you and the surrogate. In an ideal situation, you as the intended parent need to make sure that the surrogate's family does not suffer as a result of her carrying your child. I.E. If your surrogate finds herself with terrible morning sickness and cannot properly do the housework it is not for you as the intended parent to expect her husband to pick up the slack around the house after coming home from his full-time job. That is for them to decide. The surrogate may decide that she needs additional help in the form of a cleaner. I am not saying that all surrogates will claim for that as reasonable expenses, nor am I saying that a surrogate’s husband is going to refuse to additional work around the house but you must be mindful of it. Keep in your mind that you want to keep the inconvenience to your surrogate’s family at a minimum!

Naturally, you may disagree that these are reasonable expenses and that is fine. This just means that this particular surrogate is not for you and that is fine too. Each surrogate will have their own set of expenses depending on their everyday life. Your reaction should be one of respect and should not entail harassing or criticising the surrogate. Just because you do not agree with her reasonable expenses does not mean that she is just trying to fleece you for money. I daresay there are bad surrogates out there that would, but I would also say that those are just a handful compared to the number of incredible women out there who just want to help make a family complete. Most intended parents will have that respect anyway, but I have seen examples where it is not the case so it is worth keeping it in mind.

Lisa and I out for dinner.