There Is No Such Thing As Normal!

First off, before I get into the nitty-gritty, I want to send my hugest congratulations to Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black and their news that they are expecting their first child. In case you’ve been living under a rock, they made an announcement on Valentines Day. As a fellow gay guy going through the same process, it’s fantastic to hear from someone so prominent in the public eye raising awareness of surrogacy and same-sex couples becoming parents.

(IMAGE: Instagram)

I think it is also safe to say that it has also opened up a lot of conversation since the announcement. It is amazing to see so many words of support and wishing well around social media. It is heart-warming and also comforting to know that slowly but surely, society is changing and opinions are shaping a new, more tolerant and welcoming future for all. As ever though, we aren’t quite there yet. I have seen a fair few nasty, hateful and downright homophobic comments out there too.

Now, let’s just be clear. I am not offended and nor am I being a snowflake about this. Many of the comments I have seen boil down to simple education, a misplaced sense of concern or pure semantics - one female commentator got all uppity because the media report used the phrase ‘Tom and Dustin are having a baby’. Apparently, this phrase is exclusive to women who carry the child as it’s not possible for two men to ‘have’ a baby. Seriously? With all the troubles in the world and you are getting het up over the semantics? This then opened a load of criticism of men who use the phrase ‘we are pregnant’ because of the fact that physically they are not. I have always liked hearing a soon-to-be parent used the term ‘WE are pregnant’, or a heterosexual couple saying ‘we are having a baby’; notice the emphasis on the ‘we’! After all, it is something you should be doing together. Seriously ladies, are you really getting upset that men are actively taking a role in the journey to becoming parents? For me and my husband, we say that ‘we are having a baby when technically ‘we are expecting a child through surrogacy’. My point is, does it actually matter? It is merely semantics that actually has no impact on anyone else. It is just a phrase after all.

I see this as an opportunity to educate those people. I put stock in the notion that people can change their own opinions if they are given the opportunity to engage in conversation, explain their opinions and hear other people’s opinions. A great way to conquer issues like homophobia is through conversation and education but it is a two-way street and both parties have to be willing to discuss, to learn and to grow. If one is so dead set in their ways it becomes an uphill battle. Of course, this is a two-way street and both sides can be guilty of that. They key is to not shut the conversation down.

One of the pieces of criticism I have come across certainly carried a homophobic undertone, despite the authors protest that they were not homophobic and had no issue with homosexuality. The comment has since been deleted so unfortunately, I can not quote directly but I paraphrase along the lines of ‘they are TWO MEN, have they not considered the amount of stick the child will get growing up, it’s selfish’.

I didn’t think the comment was overtly homophobic, however, the context and given the writer felt the need to state the obvious about Tom and Dustin being two men, it certainly carries an air of homophobia because it is a criticism of the situation because they are two guys. The conversation then opened up and the original poster claimed his concerns were purely based on the potential for the child to be bullied. Those who have been following my blog will know that I have battled this very concern myself and was one of the factors in my hesitance to become a father. I too was concerned about giving bullies a supply of ammunition. Obviously, my concerns here have changed and a key thing to think about is the bullying itself. The original poster seemed so outraged that this child might be bullied but was placing the blame on the fact the child would have two dads.

Children can be very cruel to one another, we all know this because we have all lived it in one way or another. Children have a knack for picking up on individual differences and using them as a way to be hurtful or to victimise. Whether it is hair colour, body weight, freckles, the fact that someone’s shoes aren’t designer or they wear glasses, the list of reasons a child might get bullied are endless.

The way I interpreted the original comment was that the writer was angered by the fact that a child might be bullied because of his or her parents' sexuality but he made no attempt to address the bullying itself. To me, this is a massive problem. If society continues to focus on the ‘reasons’ for bullying the problem will never be solved. As a society, we should be focusing our energy on tackling bullying full stop.

If you take the argument that two men should not have children because it may cause the child to be bullied then you should apply it to all couples and family groups. If you do that, it becomes abundantly clear how ridiculous the statement is; If there is a possibility that your child might be bullied because of something that makes them different then you should not have children. In that case, no one would ever have kids because as I’ve said, children have a knack for finding ways to be cruel. If you feel truly outraged then you should focus that energy on the fact a child feels it is ok to be cruel in the first place, regardless of what it is they are using as a tactic to bully.

By placing the blame on the reason for the bullying, it implies that the reason for the bullying is the real problem. It implies the problem is actually because they have two gay dads, or ginger hair, or have an eating disorder. These are not the problems, these are the symptoms. It shouldn’t matter what it is that makes a child different - or anyone else for that matter. Deal with the bullying itself. Deal with the fact the child feels it is ok to victimise other kids and not the methods in which they do it.

If you raise your children to know and believe that it is wrong to single out and be nasty to another child because of something that makes them different, the actual difference becomes irrelevant.

To the man who made that comment, I understand your concerns, I just ask that perhaps you re-evaluate what you are most concerned about; the fact a child is being bullied at all or the fact they have two dads.

It is also important to remember that we live in a very different society to the one in which we grew up. The general attitudes towards gender, sexuality, race and so on have changed so much. For the most part, we are living proof because we can look back and see what was wrong. If a child had same-sex parents back when I was at school it is highly likely that bullies would use that to at least attempt to be cruel. It is also important to note here that children don’t just pluck at these things from thin air. They learn by example and so if they think being different is ‘wrong’, they have learnt that from somewhere. Again, back when I was at school, homophobia was commonplace and accepted so the chances are we heard our own parents or grandparents disregarding homosexuals in any number of derogatory terms. In turn, children repeat those opinions and behaviours. With more people being open, honest and compassionate of the diversity around them, children learn new lessons. I genuinely believe that a child is now less likely to be bullied for having two dads than it was when I was at school.

Additionally, there is an assumption that the child of a gay couple will be bullied. IF that does happen then it is for the parents of that child to deal with and ensure that that the child is armed with the right mentality to deal with bullying and likewise with teachers, group leaders and so on) Being Part of the LGBT+ community, some of us, if not all are no strangers to being or being around bullied people. We’ve already learned those lessons so we are better positioned to deal with it, should it happen. Like I have said already, let’s stop focusing on the ammunition a child uses to bully and focus on fighting bullying in general.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on the predictable and obvious, vitriolic, discriminatory and bigoted article that the Daily Mail published with a big headline asking that we ‘Please don’t pretend two dads is the new normal’.

When are these people going to learn, there is no such thing as normal and if there was, our world would be a ridiculously boring place! With such flagrant bullying coming from the mainstream media, is it any wonder that bullying still exists? It really goes to show how tone deaf the Daily Mail and other mainstream media can be, when actually, people have believed that all different family constructs could be considered 'normal' for some time now. You may remember the fantastic advertising campaign run by McCain in 2017. In it, they literally state that they 'recognise that families come in all shapes and sizes' as well as posing the question, 'What's normal? Normal isn't normal'. It demonstrates a welcome societal change that simply states the fact there isn't a standard family, in the advert, a two-dad family is just one of the many 'options' for what makes up a family. If you haven't seen it, I strongly recommend you view it below. It is truly uplifting yet underplayed. It makes a point without appearing to labour too hard to make a point.


So Mr Richard Littlejohn and the Daily Mail, how do you feel about catching up with modern society?

Thanks for stopping by and reading x