A couple of months ago, our Surrogate, Lisa, was part of a Channel Mum campaign to embrace, be proud of and celebrate post-baby bodies. I was watching it to support Lisa and because I wholeheartedly support the notion that a woman can and should be able to be proud of her body after giving birth. Not only is it great for her, but it could have a positive impact on their children too, teaching them that is ok to be confident in their own body, no matter its shape or size. Lisa and the whole #mamafigure campaign got me thinking about my own body and how I feel. I will be honest here and say it has taken a lot of thought as to whether I was going to write about this but Lisa and all her fellow Channel Mum ladies have inspired and encouraged me. I feel it is time.

Obviously, I will never know what it is to have a post-baby body, that goes without saying. However, the campaign got me thinking about body confidence for all genders. Do I have body confidence? Am I comfortable in my own skin? It has also made me take a long hard look at my past and what I can only describe as a love-hate relationship with my body. You may ask why, but as a gay man looking to be a father, I want to be able to have that level of self-acceptance and confidence in my body and to be able to pass that confidence to my child. I feel it is a very important lesson to pass on to our children, especially in a world filled with influences about what is considered the 'perfect' body.

To use the word 'struggled' when talking about my own body issues may be overstating it slightly, or at least that is what I thought, so I didn't think I had ever truly struggled with my own body confidence. That said, there were certainly issues there which, looking back on, were very much part of an internalised struggle, with my own body and also my sexuality.

For many years, I was bullied for apparently looking and sounding gay. I was also picked on because I was quite a skinny kid but not unlike many of the lads in my class. I have no idea why, but I linked my being skinny to the bullying and the notion that I was gay. I felt I didn’t look ‘manly’ enough. This was difficult for me because, at that age, I genuinely didn’t think I was gay. I wasn’t attracted to guys or anything like that so I couldn’t understand why people kept saying it. I want to be clear here, even then I knew there was nothing wrong with being gay. I simply didn’t believe that I was. Sure, I was into music and drama but so were other guys. I couldn’t for the life of me work out why the bullies thought I looked gay. I guess that me being so adamant that I wasn’t gay actually gave the bullies even more power because they knew full well it bothered me. It made me angry, upset and frustrated all at the same time. I dated girls and tried so hard to prove that they were wrong. It was exhausting.

My attempts to prove the bullies wrong deepened when I looked at what was considered the ideal man on television. I remember wanting to be like one the ‘hard men’ you see on TV. Handsome, muscular and to a degree, aggressive. No one ever messed with them. I started to think that if maybe I looked a little more like them I wouldn’t be bullied anymore. I began to really hate how skinny I was but I couldn’t seem to do anything about it. I always had an incredibly ‘healthy’ appetite as the saying goes. I ate a lot and it made no difference. I didn’t ever put on any weight.

This desire to prove I wasn’t gay and therefore stop the bullying carried on throughout school until my last year perhaps. At the same, I did start to notice guys and I began to feel differently. For a time, I thought that perhaps I was gay but I put the blame on the fact I was skinny and was called gay so often it was like I was fulfilling what the bullies thought and so sadly, I continued to fight against it.

It wasn’t until I was in college that I really started accepting and properly exploring my sexuality. I finally started to come out to myself. I think the pivotal moment really happened by chance when I was walking to the shops at lunchtime with a couple of my course friends. One of those friends, Keeley, out of the blue just turned and said to me, ‘so Mark, I have to ask, are you Gay?’. Without even thinking about it I replied almost instantly, ‘Yes, yes I’m gay’. I remember saying the word and feeling two conflicting emotions. Part of me wished I could wish those words back into my mouth and the other part of me felt relief. It was such a huge relief that I could feel myself starting to cry. We talked about it and I admitted that it was the first time I had ever said it out loud.

After finally coming out, both to myself and to those around me (and believe me when I say it wasn’t everyone, it took years and years for me to finally be out and proud at all times as it were) I thought that perhaps the hatred I had for my skinniness and the way I was linking it to sexuality would dissipate. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. Back then I was a lot more naïve about the types of gay people out there. I had started to read LGBT magazines, mainly Attitude. The first issue I ever bought (and hid in my bedroom because I hadn’t told my parents yet) was one of their annual naked issues. There were pages and pages of absolutely naked guys (with their modesty covered of course) and I remember noticing how gym fit they all were. It was filled with Actors, Singers, Sports Stars and the like – I distinctly remember enjoying the pages of a Rugby Team and all of them were muscular and toned.

For years, I inexplicably thought my skinniness was why everyone thought I was gay. Clearly, this was not the case and actually, it seemed that most gay people were also toned and buff. This further fuelled my desire to be a muscular Adonis type. For many years, I ignored it. I did not want, or I couldn’t afford a gym membership and to a degree, I despaired that I would never be able to build up enough to look anything like what I saw in magazines and so on.

Over the years I have had some stints in the gym, still trying to achieve that ideal, still trying to transform my body but each time with the same result. My biggest problem is my own impatience. I was working out daily and putting in the effort, drinking the protein shakes and so on but I wasn’t seeing any gains so after a few months I would stop going. The cycle repeated itself a lot. I always start out so determined to do it but I start to lose interest when I don’t see any results.

In the last two years, I have actually started to put a little bit of weight on. Mainly because I now have a desk job so I am not on my feet all day every day. I was actually really pleased to be putting a little bit on, certainly on my waist however that would seem to be the only place it goes. One of the biggest areas I have always wanted to change is my skinny arms and my non-existent chest. Any weight that I do manage to put on never seems to go there.

If I am honest, I am still not totally there with accepting my own body for what it is. I still, almost all of the time, refuse to be completely topless in public. I have always hated being topless because I don’t want people to see my skinny chest, even now that I have put on a little weight. I quite often feel ashamed of my body and its lack of ‘manliness’. I did once try to do a photo shoot on a beach with my shirt undone and I don’t think I have ever felt more uncomfortable. However, I am aware that body confidence has become a hot topic in more recent years with more and more people encouraging the idea that we all have different bodies for all different reasons and we should accept that.

One thing that struck me with the Channel Mum campaign is that it rightly focuses on those with mummy figures and it should, given their target audience. Generally speaking, I think women do bear the brunt of what the media deems a perfect female body but this issue is not exclusive to women. It is an issue for men too and an issue that does deserve to have attention. I would say that to an extent, the pressure for men is actually getting bigger. More and more famous men also have incredibly built bodies so it is only natural that it will lead to men feeling they need to live up to those images. One example would be the Marvel movies. Of course, they are superheroes and so they would have immaculate bodies built for saving the world. I get it I really do, but on a subconscious level, it also suggests that if you want to save the world, you need to be built like Chris Evans (the Captain America one, not the ginger one!). I know that for me, that would be ideal. It isn’t the body of the guy I want to date, it’s the body I want for myself. I know full well I can have that body if I am prepared to do the almost herculean amount of work required to get there and maintain it. I have to be realistic though. I don’t think I am capable of that level of dedication and exercise. Watching the #mamafigure video I realised that my real issue here is not that I lack the dedication to the gym. It is that I have a deeper-rooted issue with my own body, perceiving it to be inadequate or less than what a man’s body should be. This is in part due to the bullying I experienced and also wishing I could live up to the images I see in the world around me. I have to learn, just like many other men and women out there that my body is my body and as long as I am looking after it and living a reasonably healthy lifestyle, my body will do just fine. Especially now, as I am preparing to be a father, I want to be confident in my own skin and I want to be able to inspire my children to be confident in their own skin too.

In recent years, Attitude has run a feature in the magazine called ‘Real Bodies’ which features everyday men who are not celebrities, talking about their own bodies and their own issues or desires but ultimately standing proudly in the body they have with all the readers to see. I thoroughly enjoy that feature and hope they continue to present it each month. It is a beacon for anyone who has ever felt less than ideal or perfect in their own skin. There certainly needs to be more of that in the world.

From that and my own thoughts about my body, I feel inspired by the #mamafigure campaign. I too will try to accept my body for what it is. With that in mind and with the support of my husband (yes, you can have a partner and still have body issues!) and the support of my friends around me, I will be doing my small part for body confidence and acceptance through the #disney365 project which I have been doing on Instagram. I am hoping that, just like the wonderful mums in the video, I can get over the unhappiness I feel for my body but also show others that having a different body type, or one that doesn’t match the film stars at least, is ok. Periodically, I will share a body confidence related image on Instagram to show that you do not need to look like a superhero or a sports star to be a man. There are so many images of those ‘perfect’ bodies out there so I will be sharing images of my own body to reinforce the notion of body confidence and that you do not need to live up to the expectations that you see around you. It would exceptionally great if it inspired some other guys to join in. I will definitely be digging further into the issues around body confidence for us gay guys in future articles so if you have any thoughts, please let me know in the comments below.

The French have an expression, Bien dans sa peau, which literally translates as; well in their skin or ‘he fits his skin’ i.e. to be comfortable with themselves (comfortable in their own skin). Ultimately, my aim is also to be able to embrace, be proud of and celebrate my body.

The first image will live on my Instagram later on this evening. If you want to follow and add your support (I need support mainly because I am bricking it), you can do so HERE

Finally, I just want to say that I think the Channel Mum ladies are incredible and even though I am not a woman, their messages are still inspiring. So, as it says in the video below, please pass on the video to another fellow mum so that everyone can just start feeling better about themselves.

It would seem that I was beginning to adjust to the time difference at long last, since we had planned to get up a little earlier and this morning I was struggling. Although we did have plans for the day, it felt really unusual to not have our time planned out for us and to have a whole group of people to meet up with. Today was the first day in our adventure when it was just the two of us, left to our own devices.

As a gay man, I have become accustomed to being blamed for many things. Earthquakes, Floods, Hurricanes, The Fall of Rome (I kid you not), The Financial Crisis of 2008 and even a super mouse infestation – yup we Gays have inadvertently caused all of this because we happen to love someone of the same sex. As of 09-09-17, we can add a new one to the list…

Lisa and I enjoying some time on the beach. Aren't we attractive?

The day we signed our Surrogacy Agreement.

Our Surrogacy Agreement

You may remember my recent article where I offered a commentary on a BuzzFeed video that I came across. You can find it HERE. Well after that I subscribed to the channel and then I got a little bit obsessed… I came across another video which centres around ‘Weird Questions Gay Couples Get’ featuring the same couple. Again, it was a very amusing video featuring many of the questions that people seem to think are ok to ask gay people. Like the previous article, I thought I would offer my own insights and experiences of what the video talks about and most importantly, my responses to the questions. Like before, I have included the timestamps so you can follow what I am referring to. Here is the video:

[0.00] I can’t say I have ever actually encountered this one. Why would anyone think that a gay couple are brothers? Public Displays of Affection aside, even the body language alone should suggest that this is no sibling relationship. When you think about it like that, it’s actually a little insulting perhaps? Or is it just a way of saying you two are more than just a couple of friends and people don’t want to risk jumping to the conclusion that guys are a couple in case they’re not. Mind you it depends how close you are with your brother. Sounds a bit dodgy if you ask me. You could always confuse them of course by saying “...actually, we’re twins”.

[0.20] That old chestnut. I get it, people tend to apply their heteronormative social construct (reach for that dictionary!) to all relationships because that is what they know and what they are familiar with. Now I will point out here, I do not think of this as homophobia. I want to be really clear about that. All too often people roll out the homophobia card when someone applies a heterosexual behaviour to that of a homosexual person. For me, this is not homophobia, it is just a sign that they do not really understand that dynamic of the gay person and most likely of any person. More often than not, it is not an intentionally nasty slight against anyone. In a way, it’s a form of shorthand or dare I say a stereotype, but then again, like all stereotypes, sometimes it’s true!

Actually, thinking about it, if it is a slight on anyone, it is to straight couples… just follow me here ok! Implying that a gay couple has a guy and girl role also suggests that the person saying it thinks that within a straight relationship both the guy and the girl have specifically defined roles. The person may as well come out and ask who does the cooking & cleaning and who does the DIY… Next time you discover the guy in a straight relationship is a house husband or does all the cooking perhaps we should raise an eyebrow and smile, see how they like it.

In our relationship, it is often assumed and said by others that I am the ‘girl’. First off, I want to say that I am not offended at being likened to a girl because girls are awesome. It is a simple biological fact that I am not a girl. I am a boy. I will happily say that yes, I occasionally do drag and yes, my mannerisms could be considered feminine but that doesn’t change the fact that I identify my gender as male. I should point out that I actually I do the DIY and some of what the 'straights' would consider to be the ‘male’ role too – I built a kitchen goddammit! Sorry to burst your bubble but I didn’t actually do it in high heels with a glass of prosecco… I feel like I could go off on a tangent about gender stereotyping here but I will save that for another more serious article!

And finally, just as an FYI, no, the fact that one guy may top and one guy may bottom is not an indication that one is the guy and one is the girl, ever heard of ‘power bottoms’? Mmmm?

[0.28] Sure, why not? What sort of dumbass question is that? What, so you straight folk don’t check people out and discuss it with your partners? Just don’t salivate and exchange numbers!

[0.33] No, you cannot come to my gay wedding, where I will be wearing a gay suit, walking down the gay aisle with gay music playing, before having gay dinner and a big gay party in a gay hall where my gay car is in the gay car park. This is not a piece of performance art my dear, it is not an exhibition for you to come and marvel at. It is not a novelty for you to tick off on your (apparently really depressingly dull) bucket list. Now go about your business and don’t be so gay!

[0.43] Yes, the gays have an unusual stereotype in that we are all good with colour. I have absolutely no clue where this comes from to be honest. I pride myself on being able to match the right colours together to make a fairly average ensemble or room design. Believe me when I say it has nothing to do with my being gay. I’m just a very creative arty type and not all gay guys are! My husband is the polar opposite for example. At least I’m pretty sure I’m good with colour and design, I’ll have to listen out for tuts, smiles and the shaking of heads!

[1.01] Well do you know straight Tom? How about straight Jenny? What makes you think that every gay person knows every gay person? I mean, I know the gays have a reputation for being promiscuous but even then, there is no way that every gay guy knows every gay guy. Narrow it down a little first, perhaps you know they drink in a certain bar and ask if I go there or something. Ok, yeah, I might know Gay Terry, I just never stopped (CENSORED) him long enough to actually ask his name…

[1.11] Just like the 'all gays know colour’ stereotype there is the one that plays out that all gays have great fashion sense and can dress women. Take a trip through any ‘gay village’ and tell me that all gay guys have incredible fashion sense and I will call you a liar! Seriously, have you seen the way I dress sometimes?

[1.19] I feel there is a little subtext on this one. At the mere use of the word ‘queen’, one of the guys is straight on the defensive because he feels it was an insult. So, is the point here that homosexuals are always sensitive about certain words being used as we automatically assume that there was a derogatory connotation? That is an intriguing thought but I’ll tell you what does irritate me in a hotel. “Oh sir, would you gentlemen prefer a room with two separate beds?”. There is an assumption that we are just two guys staying in the same room. My point being, would they ask the same question of a male and female couple? No, they wouldn’t. They would expect that if the man and woman wanted separate beds, they would have asked for it. Whatever, I don’t care, we are only going to be making a mess of one of them! – after sleeping in it, you lot have filthy minds! Anyway, sometimes people want separate beds, gay or otherwise.

[1.28] What is this ‘date’ to which you are referring? If we go for dinner it can be as simple as who got paid most recently. I’m not gonna lie here, it is quite often my husband who pays. He earns more than I do. Anyway, that frees up my funds to buy gay clothes!

[1.30] And what is this slow dance to which you are referring? I think the only slow dance we have ever had was on our wedding night. Marc doesn’t dance, he props up walls.

[1.34] How do you decide who plans it? With discussion by any chance? Yes, guess what, we do the same. Even for dumb questions, this is dumb!

[1.41] We could try, but I’m not sure they would fit very well. We also have different tastes and preferences when it comes to clothes, you know, like every other person around the world. That said, I have worn a couple of the husbands’ shirts when I’m being lazy around the house, otherwise, mine would get dirty!

[1.48] What is this thing that some women feel they should have a GBF? I have read articles about how gay people offer a different insight or honesty that they wouldn’t get from their straight guy friends or their girl mates. I totally understand why someone would want that different perspective I really do. In fact, I am more than happy to be that confidante and friend, I will even let you refer to me as your gay best friend I suppose – although I would prefer a best friend who just happens to be gay, on the other hand maybe I should refer to myself as “… your gay carer”, doesn’t sound so designer now does it?. As human beings, we don’t tend to enjoy being objectified as a token trophy on your arm. What I want you to remember is that friendship doesn’t just happen because you have decided you need a gay guy to fulfil a quota. It doesn’t just happen overnight. How about you be a friend to me and I’ll be a friend to you and we will see where this crazy friendship thing ends up yeah? I could do with a straight best friend though, someone who knows the off-side rule would be a start.

[1.54] Yes, because all gay guys fit so neatly into the stereotypes that we all watch the same TV shows and all of those TV shows are camp personified. The fact that Real Housewives is indeed my guilty pleasure when I am sick is beside the point!

[2.00] The guys' reaction in the video, in response to that question is spot on. Excuse me what? Gaybies is not a thing. Gay babies are not a thing. If you refer to our future child as a ‘gayby’ I will end you. Simple as that.

[2.05] As if a random stranger would offer to be a surrogate, implying that being a surrogate is something so pedestrian and something everyone is doing. If you have read any of my surrogacy articles you will know why I would take particular umbrage to this question. We are talking about a future child, a precious contribution to this world, a little miracle and you are suggesting that we entrust that to a complete stranger. Get real! Besides, we already have a surrogate who is an incredible human being so the vacancy has been filled.

[2.11] LET them play sports, heck no. We have decided that we would make them conform to a stereotype that you have in mind of what gay people enjoy and of how gay people raise their children… [/sarcasm]

It goes without saying that we are going to LET them play sports if they want to! We will also welcome their laughter as we attempt to join in. The reaction in this video is spot on. Why wouldn’t we? Sport is important as a form of exercise, building their social relationships and their ability to work in a team, as indeed is amateur theatre! If our child wants to learn to fence, then we will do our best to help them. If our child wants to have dance lessons, we will do our best to help them. If our child wants to learn how to box so that he or she can knock a sensible question into your head, we will do our best to help them, hell we’ll supply the gloves and the targets! Ok, I am not condoning violence of course but I am awfully good at it.

[2.28] Wow indeed! Oh look, isn’t she clever, she knows a little bit about gay subcultures and automatically applies that to us. She even looks smug about it - I’ll give a nod to the good acting here. Do either of us look like a ‘leather daddy’? (Whatever one of those is). I am glad she didn’t mention drag though.

[2.35] Oh the classic phallic reference joke. A ‘joke’ as tired as it is predictable. Yes, I like sausage. Yes, I eat sausage. The best you are going to get from your attempt at humour is an eye roll. Sorry. Oh wait, you were actually offering me your wiener… oh well now this is a little awkward… Does it come with tweezers? Now a decent bratwurst would be another story!

[2.40] I think the couple is way too kind here saying yes. Again, we are not a token trophy for you to drape on your arm so it can get you into all the coolest places. How dare you think you can use me like that? Don’t you know I charge for my escort services? Actually, as your escort that means you pay for all my drinks and food, right? Sure, what time shall we meet?

What about you? Are there any weird, absurd or downright rude questions you have been asked that are not in the list? Let me know in the comments below!

As I have written before, Marc and I are not rushing into the transfers stage of our journey and are spending the time getting to know Lisa and her family, building on our match to make sure the whole journey is good for everyone. This has also meant that we have had the luxury of time for the various tests that are required. We are currently both in the process of working through all of the following tests. For reference, these are the same tests that would be required of you if you are using an agency to match with a surrogate and you would both need to complete them. We actually matched independently without the use of an agency but it is considered best practise to follow the same guidelines so here is a list of the tests you should be prepared for:

How on Earth is it September already? August has absolutely flown by and with it, so did the amount of music I listened to! As always, I will start off with the stats...
As I mentioned last month, I expected the August numbers to see massive increases compared to July, mainly because we were on holiday for the two weeks and I really didn't listen to very much music at all. Holidays are the only time that ever really happens. That said, the percentage of plays coming from the Top 20 is the highest it has ever been. This month I was repeating a lot of songs on multiple days and listening to particular playlists.