To some extent, we wished away a lot of the year waiting for her to arrive so the year has absolutely flown by while we went full pelt into getting everything ready. And then, on September 10th, she arrived. This beautiful little girl has brought so much love and joy to us. It is fitting that my number 1 picture from this year was from the day she was born. I remember being amazed by all the love and support we were getting as my phone was buzzing away all day.

Both Marc and I have now had our first birthdays as Dadda and Daddy, making those birthdays incredibly special, right through to our first Christmas as a family. Christmas 2018 will always be fondly remembered but we know they are going to get even better as Sophie grows.

Sophie is now 16 weeks old and we continue to watch in wonder as she grows and develops. It has been a real joy to be able to share that while also keeping a record that we can show to her in the future.

We are so grateful and appreciative to have the family and friends that we do and all the support we have received. So to everyone that has been a part of our year, whether it was in person, reading the blog, watching a video or just liking a picture, thank you. To each and every one of you, I hope your 2018 ends on a high note and that you have a wonderful start to 2019. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Of course, it is not your fault that you have this privilege and it is not fair to blame you for the results of what has happened throughout history but that does not negate the privilege. Blame and shame will never change anything but denying that you are privileged while you continue to enjoy that privilege is perpetuating a complicity with oppression and allowing the bigotry to continue. Understanding and accepting your own privilege is the first step to fighting that bigotry and building a society of true equality.

It is 2018 and you would be forgiven for thinking that the LGBT+ communities have come a long way, gaining the equality that we rightly deserve. Employers can no longer fire us because of our sexuality, we can get married, adopt children and there are laws to protect us from violent attacks and homophobic remarks. The law is on our side but societal attitudes are another matter. The more I think about it and the more I look around at the news, the more I am convinced that the fight is far from over. You hear it said at Pride marches, from LGBT+ advocates and I have even said it myself; "we must always be vigilant and wary of those who would try to turn back the hands of time for us" and for that reason, I would argue that the battle is only just beginning. 

The equality we now enjoy comes from a very legal standpoint. In the eyes of the law as laid out by the government, we are equal, but those laws are really just a piece of paper. What of the hearts and minds of everybody else? I will agree, that in terms of social equality we have also come a long way too, or at least I think we have. The legal protection and rights have given us the structure on which social acceptability can and is being fleshed out. However, our vigilance is required. Take the recent Supreme Court ruling regarding making a 'pro-gay' cake. The law, although it has advanced enormously, needs to be continuously scrutinized.

I recently read yet another article about a young gay man who was verbally abused and violently assaulted on public transport. The accused was said to have been yelling anti-gay slurs and punched the lad in the face. The police are treating this as a hate crime accordingly, thankfully. Like I say, those laws are in place to protect us but that all feels very reactionary to me. Those laws clearly didn’t make an ounce of difference to the accused in this case and the young lad was still violently attacked. This is actually a big issue for all people, regardless of gender or sexuality, and the laws that protect us. I am grateful for those protections, but they are not good enough if they only come into effect after the fact. We also need to look at what can be done to prevent those attacks in the first place, especially if our legal protections are not the deterrent we hope they are. We may very well have a level of equality, but socially, we are most definitely not there yet.

I feel like as a community, we often find ourselves in an echo chamber where everyone around us just reflects our own beliefs and opinions. We surround ourselves by likeminded people and those that are on the same wavelength as us and avoid those that disagree with us. I am not saying that this is a bad thing by the way. I definitely encourage people to surround themselves with those that they feel safe and supported but there is a flip side. If we never engage with our detractors, how can we ever expect them to change, for us to be accepted and to be truly treated as equal? There is still a large proportion of the population that couldn’t care less about our legal rights and would actually take them away given even the slightest opportunity. While there are those in society who still cling to the belief that LGBT+ people are sinful or carry a fear, hatred, discomfort or mistrust towards us, we are still at risk.

People will often say that ‘well that is their opinion and you should allow them to have it’, or that ‘there will always be people against homosexuality’ and I vehemently disagree. Opinions are just that and are open to scrutiny and debate. That is the whole point. I am not saying we should chastise individuals for those opinions, after all, name calling will never win an argument, but we should be seeking to open discussion and healthy debate, challenging the beliefs behind those opinions.

I have come to the realisation that nothing will ever change simply by shutting down the conversation and I have been guilty of that in the past. Years ago, I had a few connections on my social media that I discovered were so racist that it made my blood boil in disgust. I didn’t want to see their hatred and their bile anywhere near my profile and I certainly didn’t want to be connected to them in any way. So, I removed them. I deleted the connection. There we go, problem solved… or not. I imagine they couldn’t care less that I did that, they probably didn’t even notice. Did my actions put a stop to their racist behaviour? Did it make them re-think their opinions? I will confidently wager that it had exactly no effect whatsoever. You could argue that while, me, as only one person wouldn’t make an impact, but a large number of their connections doing the same would, however, I am not convinced. The people with those deep-rooted beliefs will be just like everyone else and will also end up in their very own echo chamber, surrounding themselves with like-minded individuals. Unfortunately, they will always be able to find them. I think you will agree that the parallels with homophobia here are clear. Simply turning our backs and acting like the person doesn’t exist will never tackle their homophobia or racism. Again, the ‘punishment’ we give by deleting the connection is reactionary and doesn’t do anything to prevent it from happening again.

I always knew that by starting a blog I would be potentially opening myself up for those with homophobic tendencies to become keyboard warriors. I am publicly talking about my sexuality in an open forum where people can say whatever they want to, the good, the bad and the downright ugly included. I agree that it some sense, it actually makes me vulnerable to attack even? This vulnerability has only deepened, mirroring how much further down the social media rabbit hole I have gone. Now I am active on more than one platform and not only am I openly gay I have also become a father. This has the potential to attract even more negativity and abuse. A very close friend actually spoke to me about the ‘brand’ name of my social media who was very concerned, particularly in terms of the video channel I recently started, that I was opening myself up to all manner of abuse and I agree. I most probably am. However, it is how I react to that abuse that is going to be the real test.

As before, if someone were to start sending me their hatred and their bile, it would be very easy for me to just shut it down, delete the comment and block the person from my social media accounts. There we go, I no longer have to deal with it, problem solved. But the problem isn’t solved is it? That person will likely just shuffle along to the next openly gay blogger and start sending them abuse. In my ‘deleting the connection’ I am merely making it so that I no longer have to deal with it, to an extent, pretending the problem doesn’t exist. It is reactionary, not preventative.

I have had the first-hand experience of it when discussing gay couples becoming parents, long before my husband and I began our journey to parenthood which I wrote about in an article back then. The person was adamantly against gay couples raising children, for many of the usual reasons and we got into a somewhat heated debate about it. At the time I could have walked away and cut that person out of my life for holding views that I felt were abhorrent and were the polar opposite to my own. I could have ‘deleted the connection’. Instead, I took stock and made it a discussion. I pushed for them to explain WHY they had those views. I sought to understand their opinion and where it came from. It was not enough for me to simply feel and claim their opinion was wrong. I needed to understand it and try to see their perspective if I was ever going to make them do the same. I was given several explanations as to why they believed what they did. For a large number of those reasons they held their belief, there were some glaring illogical factors. For example, when they said ‘a child should have a mother AND a father’ I countered that even in the heterosexual ‘world’ there are single parents doing just fine. Of course, they already knew this, but when placed against the context of two men raising a child, the argument that a child needs a mother AND a father does not hold water. The conversation got into whether the child would be bullied and whether they would have the necessary role models. Again, I approached it with logic and at least trying to understand their perspective whilst also demonstrating how my own view was shaped by reasoned logic. Eventually, they went away and thought about the beliefs they held, the points that I had made, and ultimately, not only have they become a very stronger supporter in my rights and abilities to be a father, but they have become a staunch defender of them too, which is particularly handy now that I have become a father!

Now, of course, going back to the young lad who was verbally and physically assaulted, I am not for one minute suggesting that a reasoned and logical discussion in that situation would have stopped it at that moment but that takes me back to the notion of preventing that kind of behaviour in the first place. Something that the law alone is not going to be able to do for us.

I have seen it said before that it is not down to us in the LGBT+ community to ‘re-educate’ people and to that, I say why not? No one can talk about my ‘gay’ experience like I can, I live it. That is exactly why it is down to me to re-educate where I can. I no longer just shut down the conversation or delete the connection. I seek to open the discussion, ask questions, try to understand their perspective and share my own. I approach the conversation like a grown up, no name calling or being insulting and no simply stomping off if they disagree (side note, isn’t this exactly what children do in those situations). If I can help just one other person to rethink their perspective and open themselves to the possibility of being a little more tolerant, understanding or supportive then I am also increasing the chances that they will also do the same. I am just one person but imagine if everyone did it. Imagine if all of us were a little more willing to actually discuss a person’s opinions which we deem homophobic, racist, sexist or any other ‘ist’ out there. Imagine the social impact that might have. If we simply tackled why those beliefs exist and worked towards prevention and therefore social equality there would be far less need for the legal reactionary methods.

There will always be those hateful people that will want to ascend and influence others with their desire to victimise others, whether that is with homophobia, racism, sexism or fascism. It is far too easy for the climate to change and allow them breeding space so this is always an important battle. Of course, I am no expert, I am only me and this is only my opinion. I welcome debate and discussion but surely, trying to tackle these issues on a social level, person by person is worth a try?

Thanks for stopping by and reading, it would be great if you could help get that conversation started and share this article :-)

Thanks for stopping by and reading xxx

As you can probably see, I have now added a brand new banner for the site which finishes off a year of changes and updates, a nip, tuck and facelift if you will. I am ridiculously happy with the results. It may be considered odd but I have found that having a refresh and the banner and so on has been incredibly motivational. The changes all started over a year ago but I just wanted to say a massive thank you to a few people who have helped make it happen along the way:

And of course, Lisa, our wonderful surrogate, without whom, I probably wouldn't have half as much to write about would I? I strongly recommend you go subscribe to her over on YouTube

If you want to get a cool new layout for your blogger site, go check out BTHEMEZ.

I am over the moon with everything and I do have a couple more surprises up my sleeve in the next few months... I will keep you posted.

So, what do you all think of the new look? 

We also attended the annual surrogacy meet-up a couple of weeks ago and it was another fantastic day, if a little surreal. It was very strange to acknowledge that last year we were attending our first event and we were meeting everyone for the first time. This time around we have the knowledge that we are expecting a daughter!! It was lovely catching up with everyone again. The event certainly went a long way in making me concentrate on all the positive stuff too.

Every time I find myself struggling or growing impatient again I’ve taken to trying to do something baby related, whether it is finding more things we need to buy, looking at toys or clothes or just researching parenthood it really helps to remind me of everything that is to come. I wouldn’t say it completely holds off my impatience so much, but it helps. After all, the last thing we would actually want is for our little one to be impatient too!

Thanks for stopping by and reading x

The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert (1994)

Where would any list of LGBT+ movies be without this film? It was a surprise worldwide hit back when it was released and made massive steps in bringing positive portrayals of gay and transgender people and LGBT+ life into the mainstream.

Just a little over a month ago I was able to finally shout from the rooftops that Lisa (our surrogate) is pregnant with our child. Since that update, it has been all go.

The very basic concept plan for the nursery created months ago.

Once the room was clear, I couldn’t help myself. I had to get stuck in, my theory being that the room was in desperate need of decorating anyway, so at the very least, I could get the room tidied and painted. Those of you that follow my Instagram will have seen the frequent updates as I have blitzed my way through stripping and repainting the room. Decorating is not my favourite thing on Earth, I much prefer the concept and design stage, but this felt different. As I passed each checkpoint (each coat of paint on each wall) I could see what the room was to become which was very exciting knowing what it was to become. Even the most irritating tasks had a wonderful payoff, despite my ridiculous perfectionist spirit.

Yes, I have stumbled through four paragraphs talking about decorating, but there is a point. The usually mundane tasks of sanding down skirting boards, painting walls and ‘cutting in’ brought a smile to my face. Over the last couple of months, I have noticed that my perspective has shifted. I am pretty sure it happens to the vast majority of intended parents, but knowing we are going to be fathers has given a different context to my thought process. In short, the things that would usually stress me out or irritate me, don’t! In the grand scheme of things, they hold a lot less weight compared to the adventure ahead of us. At first, I figured that it was just the sheer jubilance in the knowledge that the baby was on the way but that new outlook hasn’t gone anywhere since. Much like at Christmas, when I spoke about how it was special and how I couldn’t help thinking about how things would change. Now I am able to rationalise things even better and just take a deep breath, think about what is coming and carry on. I guess I have a shifted or renewed sense of purpose now and the creation of the nursery has really embodied that. Long may it continue. I am sure I am going to need it when I have had no sleep and the little one is insisting that they need changing again or something.

In amongst all the decorating action, we also attended the first doctor’s appointment with Lisa. It was all pretty regular and was mainly me sitting patiently while they went through medical histories and the like. It did feel a little surreal though. With each appointment, I find myself a little apprehensive about the potential reactions we might face. Whether it is in the waiting room or with the doctors themselves, I find myself mentally preparing for the potential instance of disapproval. I am very well aware of the reality that is being one half of a gay couple who are becoming parents and how many in society view that. I tend to find myself preparing for the worst which, thus far, has not happened. Everyone has been so kind which has been a little bit of comforting surprise. Aside from one or two negative comments on social media, the level of support we have received has been nothing short of incredible.

Having now attended that initial appointment, it also meant that we were hurtling towards the milestone which everyone seems to put so much stock in. The famed twelve-week scan. Nobody has really been able to tell me what is so important about that scan aside from it being the ‘first’. Many people have said that it is at that point where the chances of something going wrong drastically decrease, but in my mind, reality dictates that this is not always the case. We did have a few people who voiced their shock that we had announced the pregnancy prior to this scan but I addressed that in my previous surrogacy update. For us, this was just the next scan, but it was the first where we would see the baby really taking shape and actually look like a baby.

After a mad dash from the office down to where Lisa lives, we were on our way to the hospital and after fighting through some pretty terrible traffic and poor parking availability (is there actually a hospital that doesn’t have this problem?) we were once again in a waiting area again. This time, I didn’t really feel the apprehension about what others might think. If anything, I felt a lot more matter of fact about it. Don’t get me wrong, I am still mentally prepared for negativity from others should it happen, but I also care less if it does. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but their opinions are not going to make a difference to how we are going to be parents so they can knock themselves out so to speak.

The scan itself was incredible. At the last scan, our little one was just a little bubble on the screen with a flickering pulse. In just six weeks the baby has grown so much, its little body is taking shape. It was so exciting to see the baby hiccupping away, to see all four limbs and their heart. Lisa was also looking out for the early signs of gender through nub theory. I don’t know a great deal about it aside from the fact that Lisa has a natural talent for spotting the gender quite early on. Personally, I am keeping that little bit of news until we know for sure and so I won’t get into what we all think the baby is going to be.

I have been following the growth of our baby daily through the Ovia Pregnancy App so I have been reading exactly what to expect each day and what to expect the scan to show but the theory really does pale by comparison when you see the baby on the screen moving around. It is an amazing and indescribable feeling.

Another exciting development was that the nurse also gave us a new EDD (the due date). The due date is based on the size of the baby and apparently, we are four days ahead! The original due date was based solely on the ovulation and conception dates which we already knew for sure. As it stands, our little one is potentially going to be with us four days earlier. That probably doesn’t seem a lot, but every little bit helps and 96 hours is a massive difference when you are counting down.

It is funny but the scan pictures they give you are merely a token given the terrible paper quality but once you have it your hand it is enthralling. I can’t stop staring at it. Many people have commented since that our scan picture is so clear although I must admit I don’t really have much in the way of a basis for comparison but here it is…

That brings everything up to date again, but I also wanted to share Lisa’s most recent vlog update. We feel so lucky that along with my writing, Lisa is also documenting everything from her experience which has been wonderful for giving us an insight into what pregnancy is like for a woman. It is all about perspectives and so if you are following our journey, I definitely recommend you subscribe to her channel and also follow it as she experiences too. I don’t know about all the other guys out there, but there have been times over the last 6 weeks where I have felt guilty for want of a better word. The reason for my guilt is because of what Lisa is going through. Pregnancy is a massive undertaking for the body and Lisa has managed to stay cheerful and positive, despite her feeling nauseous a lot and struggling with insomnia. She has reminded me several times that there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty and actually, all of these things are positive signs, but I can’t help it. I can’t quite shake the feeling that it is our fault when she is feeling terrible. Ultimately it means that my love and admiration for Lisa and what she is doing knows no bounds. So yes, check out her latest update:


Thanks for stopping by, reading and watching xx