It is 2018 and you would be forgiven for thinking that the LGBT+ communities have come a long way, gaining the equality that we rightly deserve. Employers can no longer fire us because of our sexuality, we can get married, adopt children and there are laws to protect us from violent attacks and homophobic remarks. The law is on our side but societal attitudes are another matter. The more I think about it and the more I look around at the news, the more I am convinced that the fight is far from over. You hear it said at Pride marches, from LGBT+ advocates and I have even said it myself; "we must always be vigilant and wary of those who would try to turn back the hands of time for us" and for that reason, I would argue that the battle is only just beginning. 

The equality we now enjoy comes from a very legal standpoint. In the eyes of the law as laid out by the government, we are equal, but those laws are really just a piece of paper. What of the hearts and minds of everybody else? I will agree, that in terms of social equality we have also come a long way too, or at least I think we have. The legal protection and rights have given us the structure on which social acceptability can and is being fleshed out. However, our vigilance is required. Take the recent Supreme Court ruling regarding making a 'pro-gay' cake. The law, although it has advanced enormously, needs to be continuously scrutinized.

I recently read yet another article about a young gay man who was verbally abused and violently assaulted on public transport. The accused was said to have been yelling anti-gay slurs and punched the lad in the face. The police are treating this as a hate crime accordingly, thankfully. Like I say, those laws are in place to protect us but that all feels very reactionary to me. Those laws clearly didn’t make an ounce of difference to the accused in this case and the young lad was still violently attacked. This is actually a big issue for all people, regardless of gender or sexuality, and the laws that protect us. I am grateful for those protections, but they are not good enough if they only come into effect after the fact. We also need to look at what can be done to prevent those attacks in the first place, especially if our legal protections are not the deterrent we hope they are. We may very well have a level of equality, but socially, we are most definitely not there yet.

I feel like as a community, we often find ourselves in an echo chamber where everyone around us just reflects our own beliefs and opinions. We surround ourselves by likeminded people and those that are on the same wavelength as us and avoid those that disagree with us. I am not saying that this is a bad thing by the way. I definitely encourage people to surround themselves with those that they feel safe and supported but there is a flip side. If we never engage with our detractors, how can we ever expect them to change, for us to be accepted and to be truly treated as equal? There is still a large proportion of the population that couldn’t care less about our legal rights and would actually take them away given even the slightest opportunity. While there are those in society who still cling to the belief that LGBT+ people are sinful or carry a fear, hatred, discomfort or mistrust towards us, we are still at risk.

People will often say that ‘well that is their opinion and you should allow them to have it’, or that ‘there will always be people against homosexuality’ and I vehemently disagree. Opinions are just that and are open to scrutiny and debate. That is the whole point. I am not saying we should chastise individuals for those opinions, after all, name calling will never win an argument, but we should be seeking to open discussion and healthy debate, challenging the beliefs behind those opinions.

I have come to the realisation that nothing will ever change simply by shutting down the conversation and I have been guilty of that in the past. Years ago, I had a few connections on my social media that I discovered were so racist that it made my blood boil in disgust. I didn’t want to see their hatred and their bile anywhere near my profile and I certainly didn’t want to be connected to them in any way. So, I removed them. I deleted the connection. There we go, problem solved… or not. I imagine they couldn’t care less that I did that, they probably didn’t even notice. Did my actions put a stop to their racist behaviour? Did it make them re-think their opinions? I will confidently wager that it had exactly no effect whatsoever. You could argue that while, me, as only one person wouldn’t make an impact, but a large number of their connections doing the same would, however, I am not convinced. The people with those deep-rooted beliefs will be just like everyone else and will also end up in their very own echo chamber, surrounding themselves with like-minded individuals. Unfortunately, they will always be able to find them. I think you will agree that the parallels with homophobia here are clear. Simply turning our backs and acting like the person doesn’t exist will never tackle their homophobia or racism. Again, the ‘punishment’ we give by deleting the connection is reactionary and doesn’t do anything to prevent it from happening again.

I always knew that by starting a blog I would be potentially opening myself up for those with homophobic tendencies to become keyboard warriors. I am publicly talking about my sexuality in an open forum where people can say whatever they want to, the good, the bad and the downright ugly included. I agree that it some sense, it actually makes me vulnerable to attack even? This vulnerability has only deepened, mirroring how much further down the social media rabbit hole I have gone. Now I am active on more than one platform and not only am I openly gay I have also become a father. This has the potential to attract even more negativity and abuse. A very close friend actually spoke to me about the ‘brand’ name of my social media who was very concerned, particularly in terms of the video channel I recently started, that I was opening myself up to all manner of abuse and I agree. I most probably am. However, it is how I react to that abuse that is going to be the real test.

As before, if someone were to start sending me their hatred and their bile, it would be very easy for me to just shut it down, delete the comment and block the person from my social media accounts. There we go, I no longer have to deal with it, problem solved. But the problem isn’t solved is it? That person will likely just shuffle along to the next openly gay blogger and start sending them abuse. In my ‘deleting the connection’ I am merely making it so that I no longer have to deal with it, to an extent, pretending the problem doesn’t exist. It is reactionary, not preventative.

I have had the first-hand experience of it when discussing gay couples becoming parents, long before my husband and I began our journey to parenthood which I wrote about in an article back then. The person was adamantly against gay couples raising children, for many of the usual reasons and we got into a somewhat heated debate about it. At the time I could have walked away and cut that person out of my life for holding views that I felt were abhorrent and were the polar opposite to my own. I could have ‘deleted the connection’. Instead, I took stock and made it a discussion. I pushed for them to explain WHY they had those views. I sought to understand their opinion and where it came from. It was not enough for me to simply feel and claim their opinion was wrong. I needed to understand it and try to see their perspective if I was ever going to make them do the same. I was given several explanations as to why they believed what they did. For a large number of those reasons they held their belief, there were some glaring illogical factors. For example, when they said ‘a child should have a mother AND a father’ I countered that even in the heterosexual ‘world’ there are single parents doing just fine. Of course, they already knew this, but when placed against the context of two men raising a child, the argument that a child needs a mother AND a father does not hold water. The conversation got into whether the child would be bullied and whether they would have the necessary role models. Again, I approached it with logic and at least trying to understand their perspective whilst also demonstrating how my own view was shaped by reasoned logic. Eventually, they went away and thought about the beliefs they held, the points that I had made, and ultimately, not only have they become a very stronger supporter in my rights and abilities to be a father, but they have become a staunch defender of them too, which is particularly handy now that I have become a father!

Now, of course, going back to the young lad who was verbally and physically assaulted, I am not for one minute suggesting that a reasoned and logical discussion in that situation would have stopped it at that moment but that takes me back to the notion of preventing that kind of behaviour in the first place. Something that the law alone is not going to be able to do for us.

I have seen it said before that it is not down to us in the LGBT+ community to ‘re-educate’ people and to that, I say why not? No one can talk about my ‘gay’ experience like I can, I live it. That is exactly why it is down to me to re-educate where I can. I no longer just shut down the conversation or delete the connection. I seek to open the discussion, ask questions, try to understand their perspective and share my own. I approach the conversation like a grown up, no name calling or being insulting and no simply stomping off if they disagree (side note, isn’t this exactly what children do in those situations). If I can help just one other person to rethink their perspective and open themselves to the possibility of being a little more tolerant, understanding or supportive then I am also increasing the chances that they will also do the same. I am just one person but imagine if everyone did it. Imagine if all of us were a little more willing to actually discuss a person’s opinions which we deem homophobic, racist, sexist or any other ‘ist’ out there. Imagine the social impact that might have. If we simply tackled why those beliefs exist and worked towards prevention and therefore social equality there would be far less need for the legal reactionary methods.

There will always be those hateful people that will want to ascend and influence others with their desire to victimise others, whether that is with homophobia, racism, sexism or fascism. It is far too easy for the climate to change and allow them breeding space so this is always an important battle. Of course, I am no expert, I am only me and this is only my opinion. I welcome debate and discussion but surely, trying to tackle these issues on a social level, person by person is worth a try?

Thanks for stopping by and reading, it would be great if you could help get that conversation started and share this article :-)